How have you been? I know it has been quite a while since I’ve updated the blog, and I apologize for that. Things don’t always happen the way we want them to, but I am here now with a new article. So, let’s do this!
The title is pretty explicit already, so you lot should know what type of content you’re about to read.
Expectations hurt. They do, very much so.
They appear in every type of human interaction and they do not always (if not never) benefit to the health of those relationships.
When people interact with one another, misunderstandings and miscommunications are bound to happen. This is a fact. People are different, have different ways of feeling things, of reacting, and acting.
It is close to impossible for a person to be around people exactly like him or her, and even if that ever happens, these same problems can occur exactly because of those similarities, because we expect more from someone who is like us, or of someone who is supposed to get us.
In friendships, relationships, partnerships, and every kind of « ship », you will most likely always find that one person who deeply pours themselves in and expects people on the other end to do the same. And that usually doesn’t happen.
Why? Simply because the expectation is way too often based on one’s perception of a situation, without considering the other person’s perception of it.
« If I do this for you, if I do this for our business, if I do this to benefit our relationship, you should at least put in a little effort too. » What tells you that he/she is not already making the most, according to his/her capacities? Maybe it doesn’t seem like it to you but they might see it in a different light.
When both people at the ends of the spectrum are genuine and sincere about the « ship », no one is actually in the wrong. And truly, expectations are not all bad, because they are sort of related to hope. It is good to hope for a good thing to happen, to hope for someone to be receptive, comprehensive, understanding of your needs.
The issue starts when those expectations go beyond the gate. Those beyond-the-gate expectations make you forget the difference between your feelings and the actual facts and situation. They make you less patient and tolerant towards people because you are only seeing through your own personal lens.
I would like to say that in these cases, communication is the sole solution, but it can be a little more complicated than that. Communicating on how you feel and what you’re expecting can help the other person understand your point of view, but if he/she thinks they are already putting in the most effort they can, the response might be far from what you had once again expected/wished.
You’ve expected way beyond their gate. You’ve gone over the invisible threshold the person has created in his/her life when it comes to these situations. This all leads to feelings getting hurt on both sides.
I recently watched a TV Show where the female protagonist broke up with her boyfriend because he was not relying on her during his personal hardships and would rather close up and not talk to her for days. This can sound silly to some, but I completely felt where she was coming from. When you enter a « ship » with a person and feel comfortable enough, you consider that there is someone who has become your partner, someone who will make your worries and hardships a little less tough (best friend, boy/girlfriend, business partner, etc.), so you rely on whoever that is.
When he/she doesn’t rely on you, you can feel helpless because you were expecting them to act just like you. It is not easy to swallow, but I don’t think it means that the other person is not comfortable or doesn’t want to do it. Sometimes it can be that they are not completely aware of the way they are affecting you, or the way they might be holding back. The more you talk about it and they don’t change their ways, the more your beyond-the-gate expectations grow because you keep sharing how you feel… but actually the bigger the heartbreak.
For your own sanity and peace of mind, I would recommend that you take a step back and think of yourself first. Be gentle with yourself and accept that you cannot control how other people react and act, but you can control how you do.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that you should have pity for yourself and try to avoid getting into situations as such. Don’t stop your heart from feeling deeply and expecting (hoping), but do not expect beyond other people’s gates.
And always remember to take care of your heart the same way you try to take care of other people’s.
I am saying this to you as much as I’m saying it to myself.
Have the best week ever!
Much, much love,